Nuke the Rainforest: That Would Make As Much Sense

“One size fits all” works fine with the “Snuggie,” but not so much for a national policy on levee maintenance. Could someone please tell that to the US Army Corps of Engineers?

Stories like this really make you wonder how our government was ever competent enough to send a man to the fucking moon.

According to an article in today’s Sacramento Bee, “The federal government is pressing forward with a policy that could require trees to be stripped from California levees, eliminating what shade and wildlife habitat remain along the state’s rivers.”

New guidelines on levee maintenance developed by the Army Corps of Engineers require levees to have nothing other than grass on them. In other words: goodbye foliage.

Right now you might be thinking, “Hey, don’t be a dick! I’m sure these professional engineers have a really good reason for this policy – they’re probably trying to keep you from drowning next time there’s a flood, Mr. Smartass.”

If that’s what you’re thinking: You’re wrong.

And why would you have that kind of faith in the Army Corps of Engineers, anyway? They were supposed to be in charge of the levees in New Orleans, too, and remember how that turned out?

Anyway, the Army does claim that trees along rivers can cause floods if they’re over-turned during storms and rip out chunks of levee, and they’re right about that… in the South. During hurricanes and tropical storms along the Gulf Coast, that’s exactly what happens. But in California – where we don’t get too many hurricanes – flooding is different and the trees actually strengthen the levees by binding the soil together with their roots.

Doesn’t the Army know we’re not part of the South? I mean, this isn’t the Middle East, where it’s pretty easy to get lost and end up fighting a war in Iraq when you were supposed to be in Afghanistan.

I guess cultural homogeneity could be partially to blame. After all, California is now chock full of Cracker Barrels, NASCAR fans (even in Sonoma County where tailgating fans beer bong Pinot Noir) and racist bumper stickers… so it’s not too hard to believe that the Army doesn’t understand the difference between Louisiana and California.

But this is quite a double-whammy, even for the Army. In the short term, they want to destroy what’s left of California’s thriving and biologically diverse river ecosystems. And in the long run, the flooding will be worse because removing the trees will actually weaken the levees. This plan is so evil and stupid that I hope it makes national news, because I would love to see FOX News and Rush Limbaugh figure out ways to defend it. Probably something about how protecting trees is all part of Al Gore’s phony climate change “agenda.”

Fortunately, there is one factor that may prevent the tree massacre from happening: it would cost $7.5 billion. All we need is another economic meltdown and then our government won’t be able to afford to cut down the trees.

Considering Congress’s characteristically inept and even more characteristically corrupt efforts to “reform” Wall Street and pass meaningful legislation to prevent another devastating bubble… well, let’s just say that those trees might not have too much to worry about after all.

The US Army "liberating" insurgent trees. Soon, unmanned drones will be called in to "pacify" extremist ferns and bushes hiding out in California's notoriously ungovernable mountain regions.

Instead of “Fatal Gunshot Wound,” Let’s Just Call it “an Ouchie”

A courtroom artist's depiction of Officer Johannes Mehserle

When is somebody who gets shot in the back while they’re lying face down on the ground not “a victim”?

On New Year’s Eve 2009, Johannes Mehserle, a white BART cop, killed Oscar Grant by shooting the young African American man while he was laying face-down on the ground. Following the release of a widely-viewed YouTube video and youth-led riots through the streets of Oakland, Mehserle was charged with murder. The trial was moved to Los Angeles because it was deemed that Mehserle “couldn’t get a fair trial” in Oakland.

Now Mehserle’s lawyers are trying to stack the rhetorical deck by convincing the judge that a guy who got shot to death by a cop should not be referred to as “the victim” – but “Mr. Grant,” instead.  That certainly sounds a lot more respectful “bitch-ass n*gger” – the term that BART cop Tony Pirone used to address Grant shortly before Mehserle shot him.

The lawyers also want Johannes to be called “Officer Mehserle” rather than “the defendant,” even though Mehserle quit the force six days after the shooting.

As long as they’re re-writing legal definitions, why stop there? If they really want to win over the jury why not really get creative?

Why not refer to Mehserle as “the hero” and Grant as “the thug”? Why not manipulate the YouTube video and sprinkle some digital PCP on Grant and put a gun in his hand?  In fact, instead of showing actual footage of the murder, why not just show the jury re-runs of the TV show “Cops” until they decide to acquit Mehserle so they can just go home?

A courtroom artist's depiction of Mr. Grant.

I Would Give You a Ride, But My Car is Just a Pile of Flaming Ashes

Even better than flame decals: Burning cars is looking to be a hot trend in 2010.

Yet  another indicator of our collapsing empire jumped out at me from the headlines today. Back in the roaring 90’s when there were stories about burning SUVs, the culprits were inevitably “eco-terrorists” like Jeff “Free” Luers – the young Oregonian who was initially sentenced to 22 years for burning 3 gas guzzlers on a car lot. Nowadays,  “desperate motorists behind on their car payments have turned to torching their Tahoes and burning their Blazers in hopes a payout from their insurer will reap a quick payoff.”

According to the Modesto Bee, suspected vehicle arson fraud jumped 31% from 2007 to 2008. Damn! They better slow down or there aren’t going to be any cars left for the rest of us to torch when the real shit goes down.

But seriously. I’m starting to think that there are more TV shows about criminal forensic investigation units than there are actual forensic investigation units. Doug Maner, who handles auto insurance fraud for Stanislaus County’s district attorney office, was quoted in the article as saying that the real arson numbers are probably higher, but they don’t have enough staff to look into all the fires.

In San Francisco, the Fire Department’s arson unit has been so de-funded and mismanaged that Elmer Carr, the captain from 1995 until 2005, recently called it “a joke.” (Maybe he’s just embarrassed that they haven’t been able to sniff out the infamous porta-potty arsonist, who has burned up about two dozen outhouses in the city recently.)

Either way, people burning their cars for insurance money is really nothing new. When people start burning their big screen, HD TVs because they can’t make the payments… that’s when you’ll know things are really about to get ugly.

Oh, just let it burn. I couldn’t even afford rims.

SF Cops Are Shutting Down Parties And It’s Not Just Because They Think Dubstep is Kinda Played Out

If the police are gonna bust DJs, can they at least go after on the ones that play really bad trance?

First, they came for your fajitas. Now, they want your J. Dilla records.

The SF Weekly just posted a story today about how cops are busting into parties and fundraisers and ganking people’s laptops and sound systems. When I first heard about this, I got really angry. Like how I get when I hear that someone was brutally murdered and it wasn’t Glenn Beck.

It just seemed so ridiculous and unjust that in a city plagued with dozens of unsolved murders every year the cops would focus on busting up little dance parties. Every night, the streets are crawling with junkies breaking into cars, bike thieves and much worse, yet the po-po’s decide to crack down  on consenting adults who want to have a few drinks and listen to loud music after the bars close (we’re not talking about epic raves filled with 14-year-old ecstasy fiends and Special K zombies here).

And this type of “enforcement” is obviously highly selective – you know they would never dream of busting into an “unpermitted” late night party in a Pacific Heights mansion and confiscate every laptop in the house.

But then, I saw this story about a cop tazing a 10-year-old girl in Arkansas – and his chief defending it. And then I saw this other story about Detoit cops stealing millions of dollars from innocent people. And then I saw this article in the Guardian about how SF’s new police chief is probably looking to reduce the power of the Office of Citizen Complaints… and I wasn’t so angry anymore. Just hungry…. Hungry for revenge!

Who wants to bust into a cop party with me and steal all their donuts?!

Ok, Buddy, Whatever You Say

Criminal!

Here’s the first comment in response to an SF Gate article about how BART is cutting back service during non-peak hours:

“The only purpose of BART is to take people to and from work. Why run the system any other hours and provide thugs, criminals and social terrorists with a transportation network? We would do everyone a favor by shutting down BART 9:00 p.m. Monday through Friday. Who needs BART during weekend evenings hours? Criminals do, that’s who.”

Bernie Goetz couldn’t have put it any better — what kind of sick “social terrorist” would ever want to ride public transit after sundown?

Tough Times… so LET’S DANCE

Hey everybody, sorry this blog has been so dead lately. A few of my best homies got themselves into a bit of a jam over in the Middle East and I’ve kinda had to drop everything and focus on trying to help them out. Gotta have priorities, and friends and family comes first, yadadameen?

Anyway, I’ve been so bogged down in serious shit lately that I haven’t even touched my turntables in a few weeks, so I’m gonna sit on the sidelines for this month’s Motion Sickness party. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been rockin’ dance floors for a solid decade now, but I just got too much on my mind to think about mixing beats these days… However, my trusted comrades Peter West (who I also share a music blog with) and Cyclist from the Grown Kids Radio crew will definitely be throwin’ down with special guest and all-around swell guy Shane King of Hacksaw Entertainment, so I encourage everyone to stop by, if you’re in the Bay Area. I’ll probably be on the main floor, trying to dance my worries away…

And hopefully all the bullshit will blow over and everything will be back to fucking normal soon.

PS: Thanks to Tim Simons for the flier design. That boy got skills.

Vision, Leadership, Courage… Now They Have None of the Above

When word got out that their nefarious plans to fix the budget included auctioning off endangered condors and having little kids fight in Thunderdome death matches, the Legislature freaked out big time. State Senators Alan Lowenthal, seen here gouging his own eyes out, took it the hardest. In the foreground, Christine Kehoe is seen waiting for his eyeballs to pop out, so she can sell them on eBay… I guess some people never learn.

We’re All on the Chopping Block Now

"Who wants to be the first 'volunteer' for the new organ 'donation' program?"

Here’s how today’s LA Times begins an article about California’s new budget deal:

“Roads will be rougher, classrooms fuller and textbooks more tattered. The odds of encountering someone fresh out of prison will almost certainly be higher. If the budget deal crafted by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and top legislative leaders is passed by the Legislature and survives the inevitable court challenges, California will eat the biggest shit sandwich in its history.”

Just kidding about that last part. The article actually said “undergo perhaps the biggest downscaling of government,” but I think the shit sandwich part is actually a better description of what’s really going down here.

In fact, I’ve heard from some “inside sources” that they’re keeping some of the most controversial proposals top-secret… but in the public interest, I’ll share them with you right now. So here it is — these are some of the changes that Californians can expect to see in the near future:

• Instead of getting cash prizes, winning the state lotto entitles you to a free backrub from Jerry Brown.
• From now on, firefighters will be getting paid to torch buildings for insurance money as opposed to putting them out.
• In addition to permitting more offshore rigs, drilling efforts will also be made to extract oil from Gavin Newsom’s dome.
• Let’s just say you’re gonna be seeing a lot more endangered California condors popping up on eBay in the next few weeks.
• Instead of gym class, students will compete in Thunderdome death matches to see who gets to go to school.
• No more prescriptions for “medicine” from doctors, just recommendations on which cheap wine goes best with your condition.
• Instead of prosecuting the growing number of poachers who are killing bears in state parks to harvest their gallbladders for black market export to Asia, the Department of Fish and Game will “look the other way,” as long as they get a piece of the action.
• In addition to the IOUs that the state has already been using to pay the bills, they will also begin sending out FUs to everyone that it owes money to.

Like a Disco Inferno, But Without the Disco

Put away that hose, you fool! Can't you see these people are poor?

The big fire story in today’s news was the release of the shocking video of Michael Jackson’s head going up in flames, but here’s another fire-related tidbit that may have flown under your radar. Fire departments in California might stop helping each other put out fires, because they’re too broke.

Via San Diego Union-Tribune:

“…with the debt-saddled state issuing IOUs instead of providing cash reimbursements, a growing number of fire chiefs are warning that the day may come when they have to check their bank balances first before dispatching crews far from home to assist Cal Fire.”

Ok, so firefighters are always trying to scare us when they’re having budget problems by warning us that our houses are going to burn down if they don’t get more money… but shit is finally getting so bad that it might actually be true this time. To make matters worse, the federal firefighting budget was slashed so deeply during the Bush years that the US Forest Service firefighters—who are often the first on hand to battle California’s infamous wildfires before they rage out of control—are working with increasingly smaller crews despite the greater risk of catastrophic blazes resulting from another little problem called “climate change.”

Good thing our pals in the insurance industry have got our backs. Chubb Group, for example, recently “began offering fire protection to its clients in 13 Western states as long as their homes have a replacement value of at least $1 million.” Hell, yeah—once again, privatization to the rescue!

If you would rather support a “local business” rather than one of those faceless corporate giants, just give Golden Valley Fire Suppression a call, and for only $30,000, they’ll make sure your house stays nice and cool while your poorer neighbors watch their shitboxes go up in flames (Serves them right for relying on “the government” to protect them – suckers!)

But for real, you know fire departments are tapped out when they can’t even afford clothes for their hard-working firefighters anymore. These poor fellows don’t even have the money for shirts!

Change? Got any spare change?

I Can’t Believe All His Muscles Fit into That Puny Little Girly Car

Future historians may look back on the events of this week as the symbolizing the moment when the torch passed from the fading U.S. empire to rising Chinese one.

China’s Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co Ltd has almost closed a deal to buy the Hummer brand from GM. Meanwhile, former Hummer-enthusiast and living symbol of the American Dream Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is now pumped up about driving a car that’s about the size of a first generation iPod.

When my mood ring turns blue, that means I'm feeling pensive. *Sigh*