Lake Pirates Mess With Texas

Mexican lake pirates don’t scare me nearly as much as the thought of Tea Baggers in wet suits.

If you thought old white people were going crazy about having a black president, just wait until they find out about this. According to FoxNews, the newest threat facing our nation is… MEXICAN LAKE PIRATES!

Bassmasters beware, here’s how Fox describes the situation: “The waters of Falcon Lake normally beckon boaters with waterskiing and world-record bass fishing. But this holiday weekend, fishermen on the waters that straddle the U.S.-Mexico border are on the lookout for something more sinister: pirates. Twice in recent weeks, fishermen have been robbed at gunpoint by marauders that the local sheriff says are “spillover” from fighting between rival Mexican drug gangs.”

Will Texas call in the Air Force to defend Americans' right to waterski?

When the US media was covering the Somali pirates, they ignored the fact that most of the “pirates” were basically just fishermen who had been screwed over by multinational corporations that were poaching their fish and dumping nuclear waste into their waters. So I’m not going to rush to judge these so-called Mexican lake pirates before I hear their side of the story – They could have a perfectly valid reason for fucking with the Texans. Maybe the Texans were blasting really crappy country music and the Mexicans just couldn’t take it anymore, so they stole their radio.

Anyway, I’m just worried that the US Navy – which has been training dolphins to fight terrorists – might try to enlist some freshwater dolphins to take on these lake pirates. It’s bad enough that the military has drafted marine mammals into the War on Terror – it would really be a shame if they turned dolphins into border guards, too.

Let me see your papers.

Go Back to your Hole,You Crazy Ol’ Dick!

In the last week or so, Dick Cheney has slithered out from the rock he ususally hides under to slam Obama repeately in the media. Cheney has criticized Obama’s economic strategy, his national defense policies and he even “told Fox News Channel’s Sean Hannity that President Obama’s handshake with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez ‘was not helpful’ and could lead ‘foes’ of the U.S. to ‘think they’re dealing with a weak president.'” (via Politico).

Gotta wonder what Cheney would have wanted Obama to do upon meeting Chavez… punch him in the face? Challenge him to a duel?

Anyway, these comments are pretty bold words from a guy who spent the last 8 years demolishing our economy, the constitution and his own party’s reputation. At this point, Cheney’s views on anything seem about as legit at financial tips from Bernie Madoff or dieting advice from Rush Limbaugh.