Archive for December, 2009

Coming up Next, Traffic and Weather, But First — Let Me Hit This Sheeeeeeeit

December 22, 2009

What makes you think this man doesn't puff rocks?

When I saw a headline this morning about a TV anchor who used to smoke crack before going on-air to deliver the news, I was obviously expecting the article to be about Glenn Beck.  Especially after seeing this juicy little pull quote:

“I was lying the whole time and the crazy thing is people loved me for it. What I really wanted to say is, ‘I shot heroin last night and smoked crack and watched eight hours of pornos.’”

Unfortunately, this time it was about another news guy who secretly likes to party like Amy Winehouse. This time…

Seriously though. What would be the craziest thing you could do on drugs?

Snort meth while blasting off in a rocket ship?

Have a snuggle party with Obama, the Pope and Stephen Hawking while rolling on ecstasy?

Deliver a baby while peaking on mescaline?

Pitch a no-hitter in the big leagues while tripping on acid like Dock Ellis back in the 70’s?

As if the CIA Couldn’t Get Any Creepier, It Turns Out They’re into Magic

December 18, 2009

"And for my next trick, I will make a Muslim disappear"

A new book called “The Official CIA Manual of Trickery and Deception” reveals that back in the 1950s the CIA hired a famous magician to train agents. Somehow I doubt he was teaching them how to twist balloon animals in order to infiltrate “red diaper baby” birthday parties.

According to declassified documents, this kind of magic was more about how to slip pills into drinks, covertly snatch things and effectively fool people. Apparently there’s even a section about how to hide locking-picking tools up your ass and how to smuggle a small radio by wearing an artificial scrotum over your real scrotum. Magic!

Well, if the CIA really was dabbling in the dark arts that would go a long way towards explaining the magic bullet from the JFK assassination.

I wonder if the CIA went to David Blaine for advice on how to torture people. He must be an expert after torturing so many people over the years with his lame magic specials.

Check out this devilishly clever “trick” below. From now on, whenever I see a person staring into space like a drooling dumbass, I’m going to wonder if he’s really or a moron or just a CIA guy pretending to look like a moron…