Posts Tagged ‘BP’

Next on the Agenda: Putting Lead Back into Paint

June 30, 2010

This is what Yellowstone will look like if the Tea Partiers get their way.

Maybe Nevada’s Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle got bit on the ass by a squirrel once or something, but she must really not be a fan of nature. During an interview on ResistNet, she attacked her opponent Harry Reid for supporting the Mining in the Parks Act, a law currently that prohibits mining in National Parks.

And how would this rising Tea Party star solve America’s energy needs? By deregulating the oil and mining industries.

Considering BP’s still-gushing oil volcano and the recent explosion in a Massey coal mine that killed 29 workers, Angle’s energy policy makes me think that if she were running for office in the 80’s, she would have used the Chernobyl disaster to advocate for deregulating the nuclear industry.

Here are a few little tidbits to think about while pondering Angle’s deregulation proposal…

The Denver Post reported this week that “Oil and gas companies reported almost 1,000 spills to Colorado regulators over the past 2 1/2 years, totaling 5.2 million gallons of drilling liquids and oil.” Wow, that sounds messier than Rush Limbaugh at an Old Country Buffet. I bet with Chairman Maobama in power, those oil companies really got a smack down that would have made Hugo Chavez proud… oh, actually, all those spills have only resulted in two fines totally $650,000. Shit – Lil’ Wayne could have paid off those fines without even going to the bank.

"Hi, I'm here to pay off that oil spill fine. One of my molars should cover it."

So, are the candidates in the Colorado’s governor race talking about cracking down on this dangerous behavior by oil companies and maybe even using legitimate regulatory enforcement to pull in much-needed revenues to Colorado’s economy though legitimate fines?

Nope – both candidates actually seem to be begging the fossil fuel industry to treat the Rocky Mountain State like the floor of a Jiffy Lube. Just the other day, the Colorado Independent reported that Democratic candidate John Hickenlooper proposed relaxing regulations on pit liners that hold toxic waste water contaminated by the fracking process of natural gas drilling.

If that sound kind of like letting a baby with diarrhea sleep on your bed without a diaper… it’s actually a lot worse than that. According to an AP report that came out this week, “Compounds associated with neurological problems or other serious health effects are among the chemicals being used to drill natural gas wells.”

Well, to be fair, that report only looked at chemicals used to drill for natural gas in Pennsylvania. I’m sure if Colorado wants to protect itself from people getting “neurological problems” from chemicals associated with natural gas drilling, it would just pass some regulations to protect it’s citizens from… oh, that’s right – regulations are unpopular because people who wear hats decorated with tea-bags don’t like them…

Screw it. Shit like this is pretty cool, so what kind of unpatriotic treehugger would want to regulate the energy industry, anyway?

I’ll Take the Greasy Pelican Nuggets With the Diesel Dipping Sauce

June 22, 2010

This man owes you a fucking oyster po' boy.

Although I’m sure there was no shortage of them at the yacht race that Tony Hayward jaunted off to last weekend, oysters are about to get a lot scarcer for the rest of us “small people.”  The Gulf oil spill is destroying this year’s oyster harvest and even forcing the removal of these tasty mollusks from Red Lobster’s menu, according to the Orlando Sentinel. (Full disclosure: I own a ton of stock in Red Lobster… just kidding, I don’t stock in anything and I’ve never even seen the inside of a Red Lobster.)

Back to the point: Thanks to BP, not only do the Gulf Coast beaches look like the inside of a baby’s dirty diaper, but now they’re fucking up the BBQ’s, too. BP has to be the worst thing to happen to summer since summer school was invented.

BP's catch of the day.

Last year a report came out saying that seafood will disappear from menus within the next 50 years due to over-fishing and pollution. I remember some folks in the media making a joke out of this impending disaster (“Better eat lots of sushi while I still can”). But now, it looks like that report might have been a little too generous in estimating how much longer we have before the only shrimp cocktails left will be wax museums…

Massive, swirling continents of floating plastic trash are quickly accumulating across the globe.

In efforts to re-legalize commercial whaling, Japan is trying to bribe delegates to the International Whaling Commission with prostitutes and cash.

Kevin Costner apparently know more about how to fix the oil disaster than actual oil companies.

At this rate, the rest of the living creatures living in the ocean will be lucky to last as long as a pack of sea monkeys.

Who wants to go for a dip?

Don’t Ask Rush Limbaugh to Take Care of Your Plants Next Time You Go on Vacation

May 20, 2010

Judging by the view from Rush Limbaugh's apartment, the coastline still looks fine. (Yes, Rush actually owns this place -- but who's his interior decorator? This looks like the bedroom of Jimmy Buffet and Marie Antoinette's offspring.)

Rush Limbaugh is still pretending that the BP oil disaster is no big deal, despite the fact that the Louisiana coast is now greasier than Mickey Rourke. Rush serves up more whoppers than Burger King – he claimed for years that nicotine isn’t addictive – so I never really considered the guy Mr. Wizard, in the science department, but his latest claim is even more absurd than the décor of his $14 million New York apartment.

Rush dismissed the devastating effects of this environmental catastrophe by saying that “oil can be a great fertilizer.”

Wow, I can’t wait for the next nuclear plant meltdown so I can hear Rush defend it by claiming that all that radiation will be like free chemotherapy for people with cancer.

Rush Limbaugh's heart. (Just kidding, it's really a tar ball, but what's the difference?)