Here’s how today’s LA Times begins an article about California’s new budget deal:
“Roads will be rougher, classrooms fuller and textbooks more tattered. The odds of encountering someone fresh out of prison will almost certainly be higher. If the budget deal crafted by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and top legislative leaders is passed by the Legislature and survives the inevitable court challenges, California will eat the biggest shit sandwich in its history.”
Just kidding about that last part. The article actually said “undergo perhaps the biggest downscaling of government,” but I think the shit sandwich part is actually a better description of what’s really going down here.
In fact, I’ve heard from some “inside sources” that they’re keeping some of the most controversial proposals top-secret… but in the public interest, I’ll share them with you right now. So here it is — these are some of the changes that Californians can expect to see in the near future:
- Instead of getting cash prizes, winning the state lotto entitles you to a free backrub from Jerry Brown.
- From now on, firefighters will be getting paid to torch buildings for insurance money as opposed to putting them out.
- In addition to permitting more offshore rigs, drilling efforts will also be made to extract oil from Gavin Newsom’s dome.
- Let’s just say you’re gonna be seeing a lot more endangered California condors popping up on eBay in the next few weeks.
- Instead of gym class, students will compete in Thunderdome death matches to see who gets to go to school.
- No more prescriptions for “medicine” from doctors, just recommendations on which cheap wine goes best with your condition.
- Instead of prosecuting the growing number of poachers who are killing bears in state parks to harvest their gallbladders for black market export to Asia, the Department of Fish and Game will “look the other way,” as long as they get a piece of the action.
- In addition to the IOUs that the state has already been using to pay the bills, they will also begin sending out FUs to everyone that it owes money to.