I can’t wait to see Dan Fanelli’s first debate. I hope it goes something like this:
Moderator: Mr. Fanelli, what’s your policy on national security?
Dan Fanelli: I’ll send our enemies where they belong – and that’s not to a courtroom.
Moderator: Just pack ‘em off to Gitmo, huh? Even though the majority of arrests on “terrorism” charges have resulted in acquittals or been dropped completely because the government is so desperate to make headlines that they’re willing to book people on bogus cases?
Dan Fanelli: Well, let me be clear. I would only support torturing and illegally detaining Muslim or other brown-skinned terrorists. If the people advocating the violent overthrow of the U.S. government are white or pinkish, I actually think they should have more guns. God Bless America.
Moderator: And what about your own background – despite your constant spewing of clichéd Republican sound-bites about stopping “Big Government,” your entire professional career has been funded by taxpayers. You were a Navy pilot and let’s not forget that the government has been known to spend billions of dollars to develop planes that are never even used in combat. Then you worked as a commercial pilot for a major airline that is only able to exist because the airline industry is so heavily subsidized by the U.S. government.
Dan Fanelli: So what’s your question?
Moderator: Are you an idiot?
Dan Fanelli: No… USA! USA! USA!
Moderator: I noticed on your Web site that point 4 of your “8-Point Plan” is: “Respect all human life and support strond family values.” Is that a typo? Did you mean to say “strong family values?”
Dan Fanelli: No, I support those, too, but my real priority is Strond family values. Strond is a small town in Denmark’s Faroe Islands renowned for it’s annual whale and dolphin slaughter. In Strond, it’s a rite of passage for young men to kill their first whale or dolphin.
That’s what I’m talking about when I say Strond family values – fuck marine mammals and fuck the terrorists. Nuke ‘em all and let the ACLU sort out the bodies and then we’ll nuke them, too. Drill baby drill!
Moderator: Ok, I’ve had enough. Time for you to go back to your gated community – I think Glenn Beck is almost on and I know you wouldn’t want to miss that.
Dan Fanelli: I Tivo’d it.
Moderator: Fine, any last remarks?
Dan Fanelli: Ronald Reagan shock and awe I want my country back 9/11 founding fathers Obama is a Muslim guns guns guns with us or against us stem cells are bad… fuck the dolphins!