T&A B.C.

ancientvenus

The 35,000-year-old “Venus of Hohle Fels” was discovered in a cave in southwestern Germany.

A few weeks ago I went back to Chicago to visit my folks. I don’t have a TV, so I was totally blown away when I was exposed to a cable channel called Spike TV by my 11-year-old brother. Basically, Spike TV is the opposite of the Lifetime Network. Its target audience is “bros.”

Although the action flicks and cage fights that fill Spike’s programming schedule are heavily saturated with boobs, there is a Spike original show called “Manswers” that is so obsessed with breasts that Russ Meyer would blush. With its segments like “How big do boobs need to be to crush a beer can?” watching Manswers feels like witnessing a pervy fourth-grader’s wildest fantasies run amok. (see the horrendous video below for proof)

When I saw the pictures of a 35,000-year-old statuette released earlier today, I realized just how far back humans’ obsession with breasts goes… it goes all the way back — this statue was made when early homo sapiens were still co-existing with Neanderthals, during the Paleolithic era. With her enornmous torpedo-like bosoms and bulging vulva, the “Venus of Hohle Fels” gives us a strong hint that cave-bros were focused on many of the same female attributes as modern bros.

But it might be a mistake to write this off as just prehistoric objectification of women. In place of her head, Venus has a ring coming out of her neck. Probably so she can be suspended by a string, perhaps worn as a ceremonial amulet during ancient rituals or hung in a cave to conjure fertility spirits. The exaggerated representation could signify that the female body was considered sacred and worshipped among Paleolithic cultures.

Unfortunately, Manswers seems to provide evidence that a large segment of our population has devolved in the millennia since. Hopefully,Spike TV fans’ attitudes towards women will some day catch up with those of their cave-dwelling ancestors.

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